I finished going through my tarot cards the other night. From my journal:
Sun July 15, 2007 9:38p
Yesterday Jack came up and we opened the door to communication. He validated me by acknowledging, and accepting, the abuse. However, he basically said I will be forever shunned for my Paganism.
I am not angry, but hurt. I actually feel pretty good today, open, respective and that life is worth living. Today I have no suicidal tendencies.
The deck is almost gone, that is, I am almost through it. I can’t wait to do a reading!
# 9 Swords. Ate and I are old friends. However, I would like her to be an acquaintance I rarely see. Since I married, I wake with screaming nightmares. Often my heart, soul, and spirit are consumed with negative energy of hate, envy, and fear, her favorite emotions. How to keep her from invading my psyche is my newest quest.
# 5 Chalices. My family has banished me in a sense: I am not welcomed at Bob’s or Cindy’s and barely tolerated at Jack’s. I know the pain and lonlieness of isolation and the deisre to be included.
Are my Beasts my children? I have always maintained they are not, but maybe they’re adoring eyes will be one component of my salvation.
# The Moon. Ever since I was wee, my eyes have been drawn to Moon, full or otherwise. And deep within me I feel her pull and always have. I once asked Ma why the moon follows me and she attempted to give me an explanation based on the Moon’s distance from Earth. I knew deep inside it was because She was watching me and giving me a visible, palpable symbol of Her existence. Too bad Ma didn’t know.
# 3 Wands. Discipline has always been the hardest, or one of the hardest, attributes for me to follow: I just *can’t* conform or be obedient and that’s what discipline feels like: blind obedience and absolute conformity.
Justice is what I seek from the universe, And I feel the universe will dole out justice as it sees fit. I know I won’t be punished because my good outweighs my bad. And my intention has always been good.
Peace I seek for I cannot live with the turmoil in my body, heart, soul, and spirit. Without peace I will die, this I know.
# The Hermit. What crossroads am I at right now? What answers do I seek? Questions I’ll have to meditate on.
# 3 Pentacles. What have I cultivated? What do I protect as if it were my child? Further questions for meditation.
# Knave of Pentacles. Nothing comes to me
# Ace of Wands. I share many of the same qualities as Bastet: energy, vitality, inventiveness, birth (of ideas), and fire (in my personality). My fertility comes in my writing and my ideas, and also manifested in my garden.
# The Empress. Like Bastet, Astarte and I share many of the same qualities some of them my best: I am passionate in my beliefs, faithful almost to a fault. I am kind and loving most of the time. Intelligence and charm are abundant in me, as is fertility.
# Knight of Pentacles. Stability and security are not abundant in my life. Well, now that I’m married they exist, but not as much as I’d like. Perseverance and diligence I know well: without either, I would’ve died.
# 2 Chalices. My beloved husband warms, comforts, sustains, and fortifies me. Without him, I’d be a constant wreck.
# 5 Swords. Like __ I am well aquainted with humiliation, loss, shame, and dishonor. Law school is the most recent manifestation of my acquaintance with Sif. I’ve been betrayed and deceived by people I though of as friends, lovers, and family.
# 10 Pentacles. I would very much like to sit at Ben Saiten’s table for an extended amount of time, not brief seconds.
# The Wheel. Has my entire life been the result of chance?
# Knight of Chalices. I’m not sure Epona and I have met before. Actually I’m snot sure she’s been on Earth lately.
# Temperance. I have never been patient or exhibited any hit of temperance. I expect this card to appear often.
# 4 Swords. Often I have shared the desolation of bitter solitude. Often I have felt exile into cold, oxygen-less space. Chang-O and I have not met, but we’ve walked the same path of isolation.
# The Stars. Nothing comes.
# The Chariot. I would like to ride on the chariot from my dark, cold, isolated place to a warm, light populated community, filled with love and acceptance.
# 4 Pentacles. I thirst for education and to live well, but I don’t think I’m greedy. Well, maybe about knowledge.
# The High Priestess. Bowing to power is almost impossible for me to do. To do so makes me aware we’re not equal and makes you more powerful through my humiliation. Must I bow?
# The Tower. For me, academia is the Tower: self-important, tyrannical, and ignorant has caused many to fail out or not even try. Or worse, kill themselves because academia cares only for its self-bloated self. I would love to see it burn.
# 2 Wands. Ying/Yang-esque. Will i find balance and peace?
# The World. Can I create something from nothing? Can nothingness become success and achievement? Do these apply to me?
# 7 Pentacles. My desires will only come if I plant in fertile soil and am patient, faithful, and loving. Picking and finding the right soil is important. It’s a mistake I’ve made many times before: being a firefighter, becoming a lawyer, and…
# 6 Wands. Instead of fighting alone, I need to involve Andraste and call on friends. Each will fight with courage and valor, as I will.
# Queen of Swords. I have met Tara many times: the two-faced friends I’ve had over the years, the one’s who have shattered my trust in women and myself. I need to look full on int he face, not at an angle.
# 4 Chalices. I already did this card so I moved on.
# The Hierophant. Do I hear her voice too often or not enough?
# 7 Wands. I may have done this card also, but I’m not sure. Some of my explorations are on the Pensieve blog.
I react often. I defend my beliefs consistently. My virtues are always on the defensive. I fight abuse and injustice socially, politically, and familiarly. Akycha may have been living through me for quite sometime but I didn’t know it.
# 9 Wands. I have always regarded silence as my enemy. Something that needed to be banished. Lately I’ve been embracing silence more and more, while speaking of past abuses and refusing to be silent about them. Now I need to balance them.
# Knight of Swords. I’ve overcome many challenges and buckled under as many. I am courageous and intelligent. I listen to my intuition, sometimes to much. Rhiannon has shared my body for a long time.
# 6 Chalices. Past and future. Present lost. These I know.
# Death. I do not fear Kali, I welcome her. Death is inevitable and my ultimate salvation. Come soon and in my sleep. End my pain, isolation, and failures.
# 10 Chalices. Hestias is someone I knew when I was young, but she left me long ago. Will she return?
# 5 Wands. We’ve met and major upheaval has occurred. Will we meet again?
After I finished acquainting myself with the cards, I did a reading.
11:02p July 15, 2007
No specific question. I just wish to acquaintance myself with those who live in the cards.
[I did a horizontal five card spread. 4, 2, 1, 3, 5]
1. The Wheel. Lucky spin or unlucky. I must take the good with the bad.
2. Ace of Swords. There are thing which scare me. When I am frightened, I will seek her presence.
3. Two Chalices (inverted). I don’t know what it means to be inverted. Does it mean what the opposite of what’s in the book?
4. 3 Wands. The seasons of my life are in my power, not left to change. But how do I reconcile that with “the Wheel”?
5. The Lovers. I must play now and regain my innocence and youth. Do now what I couldn’t before.
I still need to get to know the deck, but I think we’re off to a good start.