My new tarot cards came in last week. I looked at each one with a deep intensity, then started to pull randomly from the deck. As I did, I read what the card meant in the booklet and then wrote in a leather journal I bought just for tarot what the card meant to me.
From the journal:
Wed 6/27/07 8:30p
I just opened this deck for the first time. Today I interviewed and I think I got the job. Then I got the mail and had this new deck to get to know. And I got my grades.
Maybe I shouldn’t have opened the deck in my depressed, wounded mental state, but…
I looked at each card, just looked, then shuffled. Now I’m pulling cards at random.
I pulled one card before I thought to write. It was a crone with a wolf, but I don’t remember the suit. Know of Chalices. Right now I lack the confidence needed for eternal youth, innocence, spontaneity and optimism. Strength. My intelligence is something beyond wounded. Unsettled is probably the best word. I have no self-confidence, discipline, or self control exhibited by me calling [my spouse] at work and telling him the shameful news; no confidence to speak of, and certainly no discipline. Justice. What action will be repaid? Good actions I’ve done, bad actions, or both? The Devil. The temptation I consistently cannot ignore is to beat the shit out of myself and then wonder why everyone hates me, including myself. Ace of Pentacles. Fortuna has me baffled. I cannot see any wealth, winning,, and satisfaction in my life. 7 Chalices. Maya is me. I am Maya. What I desire is what I see I believe. I couldn’t sum myself up any better. 4 Chalices. I do possess the greatest riches: loving husband, devoted pets, abundant garden. Yet boredom, monotony, and dissatisfaction rule my every thought. 8 Pentacles. My life can be transformed by expert hands: my hands. King of Pentacles. I will attempt to open myself to Lakshami to allow myself material and spiritual wealth, inner joy, success, and harmony.
Tonight I will continue the journey by pulling random cards.
Queen of Wands. The suffering I’ve had throughout my life is the illumination of the suffering all over the world. And it’s what keeps me benevolent and merciful. 6 of Swords. My life’s journey can be analogized as a journey at sea: calm sea, blue skies. Choppy sea, gray sky. And everything in the middle. Nehalennia will continue protect me, the life-farer, as she’s done thus far. 10 Wands. My most current failure provides me with the opportunity to fly through the sky, free from the oppressiveness of academia. 3 Chalices. Thalia, Aglaia, and Euphrosyne are three Graces who want to celebrate my success. However, I cannot think of any success to celebrate, to join in their abundance, splendor, and joy so I sit on the sidelines watching them enjoy themselves. 8 Wands. Flora would like me to take time and smell the roses. I have been doing this by checking my garden everyday, most days twice a day. I quite enjoy watching my garden grow. The Fool. The Fool is an active participant in life, not a passive loser who wallows in shame, embarrassment, and humiliation. Is it good to be The Fool? The Emperor. I protect those whom I love and fight with a fire deep in my soul. Ace of Chalices. Because I’m afraid to love children too much due to my own mother refusing to care for me as I deserved, I am not in touch with my maternal side. As a matter of fact, I actively downplay and ignore my maternal instincts. I must learn one can be maternal without having children. I do not have to withhold my love as my mother did. I can create life without creating a child. I can honor fertility without being fertile myself. I must learn to integrate my maternal feelings into my soul without fighting against them or denouncing them. King of Swords. Like Coatlique, if you honor and respect me I will offer you the same. But cross me, and disobey my wishes, and I will cut you out of my life like a malignant tumor, becoming someone I’m afraid to ever see again. Ace of Swords. Courage, pride, willpower, and ambition. Are they as abundant in my eyes as in Bellona’s? 6 Pentacles. I share my wealth, sometimes too much. Whenever I have money it burns a hole in my pocket. I want to give to a million charities, but cannot. If you stretch out your hand, I will give to you. Usually. The Hanged Man. What must I sacrifice for nine days and nine nights to open the doors of knowledge and wisdom? It would seem to be a chicken and the egg problem. The Magician. I too am Demeter, the magician in the field. My garden is full of flowers right now, a promise of a harvest to come. Because of my care, the garden has done well. 2 Pentacles. I am both the light and the dark. There are times my spirit and soul soar and can touch Sun. There are times when my spirit an soul are weighted down and the darkness is so all consuming I can barely breathe. Balance is the key, an important aspect I must learn. King of Wands. I’ve been trying to think of a name to call myself, and I keep coming back to Brighid (the way I like it spelled). I’ve also considered dedicating myself to her. Is that way she keeps showing herself to me, just as now on this card?
I will continue this until I have finished the deck.