I continued going through each of the cards in my new tarot deck. Here’s what I wrote in my tarot journal:
A raging thunderstorm just passed.
I’m sitting on the floor in the living room. The candelabra is lit on my left. Loreena McKennitt is playing in the center. Incense is burning to my right.
I feel the desire to do a reading, however, I haven’t finished going through each card. But because I have so much anger and hurt in my body, I fear putting that energy into the cards.
Wolf and I went to Jack’s house for Jason’s graduation party this weekend. It was the same as always: Michael getting wasted yet everyone (the young ones that is) flocked to him. The old ones hung out together and berated me for my choices. No empathy or love was given when I told of my latest failure.
I am so angry and hurt. I need to banish this negative energy from my body because I can’t handle the increasing physical ailments its causing. And psychically, I know negative energy attracts negative energy.
But i don’t know how to break the cycle. Do I read or study the cards?
I guess I’ll continue to study them.
Some of the card studies I have done are on the Pensieve Blog and not in this book.
9 Pentacles. A car of abundance, warmth, and fruit. Because I’m so blocked with negative energy I can’t see abundance of good in my life light now. King of Chalices. Nothing is coming to me. Knave of Swords. The air smells like High John incense and rain. I can hear water dripping off the leaves and Loreena singing. But I don’t know my prey. I thought it was to get an education but I’m not sure now. 8 Swords. A card with emotions I’m very familiar with: slander, humiliation, condemnation, and imprisonment.
Have The [name of my father’s family] slandered me like I feel they have? Certainly they, and myself, have humiliated me on a number of occasions. They have condemned me for my world view, but so have I. I feel imprisoned in this negative loop my life spins around in, but I don’t know how to break it.
The Lovers. I know there is love and beauty out there. I can see it, feel it, taste and smell it, but it’s just so damned elusive. How I want to slip into the water and drown. 9 Chalices. Nike announces glory, victory, and success. I’ve heard her speak to me before, I’ve felt her inside me and I like it. Now I feel as if I’ve insulted her so she’s turned her back on me. 7 Swords. Did Blodewedd deceive me into thinking I could succeed in school? Has she consistently betrayed me into thinking I’m good enough to call myself human? 2 swords. Nothing comes to me. 8 Chalices. I am so lost and feel abandoned by everyone. I’ve relinquished my soul to despair, despondency, hate, fear, and anger. Calypso and I seem well known to each other. Th amn on the raft with his back turned is my self-respect: he sails away, never to return. Knight of Wands. What message do you have for me? I cannot hear through the negative cacophony in my heart, spirit, and soul. 3 Swords. Nothing except I’m enthralled, but no words. Queen of Pentacles. Nothing but silence. Knave of Wands. Silence again. 10 Swords. Helpless, frightened, cornered, and alone. Sakuntala and I know each other well. But what is the ring for? Judgment. This was the first card I pulled but couldn’t remember. I shall put water into my cauldron and judge myself as she instructs. Then I will look at the surface water and see my purified soul, because I need something in my life right now. The Sun. Has burned me because I flew to high. 5 Pentacles. Hel and I live in the same place, yet we have not met until now. We’ve been ships passing in the night, but her aura is known to me. Queen of Chalices. We’ve met, but it was a long time ago. I would like to welcome her into my life again, but don’t know how.
I did, in fact, fill my cauldron with hot water and looked into it. But I’m so blocked with negative energy, I couldn’t see anything.