Yesterday I took a walk down in the Old Village and focused on what I need to succeed at my new job. You see, this is the job I’ve wanted for a very long time and I don’t want to lose it. It’s happened before. I’ve gotten something I’ve really wanted and within a year it was gone. I have no one to blame but myself so I know I need to change in order to get the stability I need.
What came to me was balance and pace. I need to learn how to balance myself, and how to pace myself. In the past, I’ve dove into things head first, without looking. Then I floundered in the deep water, only to extricate myself just before I drowned. In the mean time, I’ve made quite a fool out of myself. I don’t want that to happen again. Now I’m trying to learn what it is I need to do so I don’t flounder as I have in the past.
Balance. Too often I put all my effort into one thing and the rest of my life falls apart. I get such tunnel vision I cannot see what else needs to be taken care of. When such things force themselves to be acknowledged, I get overwhelmed. I have to spread my attention over a broader plane.
Also, I need to balance out the negative voices in my head. Often I will think up these terrible scenarios, feeding my fears of failure. Over the years I’ve tried to quell and quiet these voices. I’ve tried to placate them and evict them from my being. But nothing has been successful. Yesterday when I was thinking on this, it occurred to me I shouldn’t try to slay these voices, nor banish them, I should counteract them. Therefore, when I catch myself thinking negatively, I will then consciously switch gears and think positively for the same amount of time with the same intensity as I did when focusing on the negative voices.
Pace. I run into things head first. I’m so focused on getting it done that I don’t necessarily do a good job. In the past, it’s always been a choice between the two. Now I want to do both, but in order to do so, I need to pace myself so I don’t exhaust myself and do a shitty job at the end, just to get it done.
So balance and pace are what I need to be the person I want to be.
I’ve already started on the balance. I’ve started walking the dog. The last year I stopped walking him, instead just letting him out the back door. Now that I’m not in school and my life will be a little more routine, I can start walking with him again. This will help me balance my soul, connect me to Our Mother, and exercise our bodies.
Pace is something to be started when my paychecks start to come in. You see, I want to take yoga and join a gym. Both require money and both require one to pace themselves so not to hurt/exhaust oneself.