The creative energy which writes the words you read has been missing of late, but now in a burst, it has come back. I don’t know how long it will be here so I want to harness it while I can.
One of my passions, where my curiosity is allowed to run rampant, is the depth at which I can trace my genealogy. It’s a compulsion for me at this point, this need to know where I came from, who’s voices bubble up and echo in my soul when I’m despondent or elated. The reason for this compulsion is because I’ve never belonged anywhere. I’m not sure there was every a time when I felt acceptance and love, free from fear and anxiety.
However, I crave family. I have deliberately isolated myself and now I regret doing so. And instead of going back to apologize to people, I’ve tried to move outward to find connection. And again my compulsion is satiated because I can seek out distantly related persons and tell of my quest. I always share the work I do, never asking for compensation, because I *truly* enjoy sniffing out the mysteries of my collective past.
There is this woman who lives in a southern state who is my second cousin, once removed. Strangely, we are the same age. I have written her various emails, none of which she responded to. I didn’t barrage her, however. I would send an email every once in a while. Tonight, though, I found her on a popular networking site. I put a quick note in to a friend request, which she accepted, but didn’t respond to the note.
I poked around her profile and looked at her picture. Although I do not recognize *her* per se, I do recognize her features. I can see so many other women in her face: Aunt Marjorie, Nana, Aunt Nancy, my mother. And they are all women I have fond memories of. Earlier this year I saw Aunt Nancy after she was released from the hospital, I almost fainted. For a moment, I thought it was Nana sitting on Nancy’s couch. I was so shocked I stopped dead in my tracks and just stared at her.
And then I found a link to her blog. What a beautiful blog it is. She is a lovely writer who has been blogging for a while. I’m envious of her skill. And I wonder if there is a connection to this distantly related person who looks like many women I love and deeply care for. I can see this red headed woman’s past and it looks dis/similar. I wonder who this woman is, what her soul is like. I can see her mirth and merriment, the happiness of her life on my computer screen. Her grace is warm and endearing.
I wonder what impression I make?
It’s come to my attention I lack self esteem, self respect, and self confidence. At first, I thought I had “lost” them, meaning I once had esteem, respect, and confidence for myself and each went away either deliberately or accidentally. Regardless, my three…whatever they’re called, were once a part of me and then they weren’t. Now I realize, I never met the three in my mind, body, and soul.