A couple weeks ago Wolf and I had to put our dog Jaxsun down because he we was in liver failure. Of course we’ve been sad as the grief has worked through our souls, spirits, and minds.
It all started a few months back. Jaxsun had this look in his eye. I can’t explain it with words — certainly not typewritten words — but I could tell he was getting ready to die. I even said this to the vet when Jaxsun went in for something. The vet said “this is the healthiest dog I’ve seen in a while. He’s not going to die anytime soon.” I didn’t believe the vet, I believed my own intuition like I always do.
Jaxsun started to get really anxious. He paced the house all day long for a couple days, then the exhaustion of doing so would catch up to him so he’d crash for a few days. His urine — always a problem for Jaxsun — started getting rancid. He started drinking copoius amouts which meant he urinated a lot. I look him back to the vet. We were told he had a bladder infection but the medication they gave him didn’t help so we brought him back. The second time they took blood to test for a few diseases. Wolf and I decided we wouldn’t torture Jaxsun by doing as they suggested: leaving him there for 24 hours so they could poke and prod him to find out the root of the problem. You see, Jaxsun was eleven and I wasn’t going to put him through something as traumatic as that. When the initial bloodwork didn’t shed any light on the ailment, the vet said he had all the signs and symptons of liver failure.
And then Jaxsun stopped eating. He still drank copious amounts until he stopped on his own. That’s when we knew it was his time. He looked at me with his eyes and I could see his soul calling out to me don’t make me suffer anymore.
I’ve never had to put an animal down before in this manner. Actually, untill last year I had never had to put one of my animals down. They always died on their own accord, except Claw who was hit by a car, so the feelings involving putting a pet down are not something I was familiar with. Last year, however, our cat Caesar went into cardiac failure. Wolf found him gasping for breath on New Years Day. We called the vet and Caesar was put down that night because there was nothing we could do to ease his suffering.
I went through this state in which I wasn’t sure what I was planning for Jaxsun was right. He was still excited about walks and rides in the car, but at home he was just so anxious you could use him as a drum. And then, of course, he wasn’t eating. We kept trying to entice him but nothing worked, except steak on the last night of his life. Still we felt we were doing the right thing, and I still feel that way.
Over the weekend Wolf and I were visiting friends. We spent the night there where I had a dream about Jaxsun. In the dream I was with James and Wolf sitting on the floor. Jaxsun came into my perception so I put my hand down and started petting him. He was laying on his side like he was when he was put down. I said to Wolf “Jaxsun’s here if you want to say goodbye”. Wolf said “I don’t see him” to which I grabbed his hand and put it onto Jaxsun’s fur. Jaxsun then came into Wolf’s perception and he could see him. I said the same to James who replied the same as Wolf so I put his hand onto Jaxsun’s fur. We petted Jaxsun for a few minutes then the dream ended.
This wasn’t a dream per se, it was really was Jaxsun coming into my perception from where ever he is. I asked Wolf and James if they remembered dreaming about me, each other, or Jaxsun and they both said no. But I know that’s what happened. Jaxsun used my sleep state as a way to enter my perception and say goodbye and to give me the chance to say goodbye, to give me a last chance at feeling his soft fur, to let me feel his affection for the last time.
I’ve never had a dream like that before, not one where I can feel my perception receptors opening and receiving such a distinct message. I hope it happens again. I’d like to facilitate it happening again. Any suggestions?