This weeks installment.
- I love that people respect me. This is a whole new solar system to me. Never before have people had any sort of respect for me because I never had any for myself. Like attracts like so of course the people who I attracted in the past weren’t very nice or good for me. But now it’s all different. Now people respect me for my knowledge and background. It’s a little strange to be honest. I keep waiting for “the shoe to drop” so I keep reminding myself that only I will eff that up no one else so I should stay calm and on course.
- I love going to the massage therapist. The music, the warm kneading hands. My muscles just melt under the care of a good therapist.
- I love the blue sky of a fall day. This time of year I spiral down into a deep, dark depression. Blue Sky and bright Sun keep me sane.
- I love Dead Can Dance. Their music is just so damned awesome.
- I love talking politics with people who completely disagree with me. Not in the “I’m right and you’re wrong” sense but in the exchange of ideas sense. Communicating with people with opposing opinions can be so much fun when done with openness!
This week isn’t a good week for me. I’ve had a couple very bad days and with the weather turning and the days getting shorter, my brain is going into its panic mode. I feel anything but balanced. Rather I feel trapped like and animal thus coming up with 10 things I Love wasn’t going to happen. 5 was extremely difficult.
If you notice my posts getting darker and more panicky, or just starting to decrease in number, the reason why is the depression which takes over at this time of the year every year. Since it comes every year I’ve learned to anticipate it and just keep reminding myself “this too shall pass. this too shall pass.”
I don’t feel balanced and despite efforts to balance myself I’ve not been successful. I know this because I dreamed the roof on my trailer cracked during a rain storm, one of the windows broke, and I found myself, albeit a younger self, hiding under a sheet in the kitchen cabinet. Dreams like this show me it’s time to isolate myself cope with the anxiety of the Darkening Sky.
Maybe isolation isn’t the answer but when the Dark Time comes I become hypersensitive and tend to lash out at people during this period. I tend to just crawl inside myself and wait until I’m feeling better, more upbeat, to address any issues going on in my life. I’m sure it’s cowardly (and I hate being a coward) but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings with hurtful words which are usually untrue so I wait for the panicky feeling pass. It may be weeks or months, I cannot say. But I’m not avoiding you because I don’t want to talk to you, I’m avoiding because I don’t want to hurt you with untrue statements and accusations and because I’m not open to listening. Rather, I’m quite closed and fearful.