It’s pure, unadulterated fear. And it’s oozing of my body in buckets.
Wolf informed me his company is shutting down for ten days. He’ll be eligible for unemployment as he’s being laid-off then rehired after the ten days is up. I assume he’ll have the same hire date which is four years ago. At least I hope so.
I haven’t applied for any EMT jobs yet because the National Registry has not sent me my EMT card. I cannot apply anywhere without this card proving I’m certified. At the speed in which mail is moving around this country I thought I’d have it by now; obviously that’s not the case. I wanted to put applications in by Capitalmas but that’s not going to happen. I’m hoping by New Years but I’m not sure I’ll have the card by then.
Never in my life have I been so ashamed, so fearful, so anxious, and despondent and I know Wolf is feeling it too. Lately he’s been so grumpy, so down. I try to love the pain and fear out of him but I’m not doing a good enough job because he’s still so bummed out. Wolf is a worker, he’s not one who can sit around and do a bunch of nothing. For him to be out of work for 10 days will damn near kill him not to mention what it’ll do to our finances. We’re less than a paycheck from disaster as it is. There is no buffer in our budget for him to be unemployed. Christ, when he’s sick he still has to go to work because he doesn’t have any sick time and we can’t afford to lose a day out of his check.
[Self-Pity Rant Ahead]
How the eff did this happen to us? We’re good, hardworking people. How is it I can’t find an effing job depsite having two, count them TWO degrees? Why am I waiting on a fucking card in the mail? Why is our economy so fucking shitty? Did Wolf and I do something wrong? Is this the Universe’s way of punishing me for going to school, for thinking I’m smarter than I really am?
I MEAN REALLY, WHAT THE FUCK???!?!?!?!
School was the biggest mistake. I thought the degrees were the Golden Ticket but NOOOOOOOoooooooo, the degrees were a SCAM. Wolf and I were victims of academia’s scam. All we got from the blood sucking, money sucking, soul and spirit sucking institutions were thousands of dollars worth of debt we can’t pay, and apparently I’ve been “educated out of the possibility of a job.” (Edina Monsoon, Ab Fab)
I feel so guilty, so selfish for going to school. Wolf and I may not have been doing well before I went but we weren’t doing as badly as we are now. And we had more debt then in the form of credit cards. At least then we were living in a house, not a mobile home made out of plastic which hemorrhages heat, and had space around us. Now we live like paupers, forced to pay money to have plastic fumes leaching into our bodies, which I’m convinced is going to give us cancer, scraping pennies just to make ends meet.
I am so frustrated, so tired of being scared. My adrenal system is burning out because I don’t seem to have much adrenaline left to pump. I’m tired of being sad, scared, and angry all the time. I’m tired of feeling helpless, of living like this. I’m tired of the sad look on Wolf’s face, of not seeing him happy. I’m tired of it all.
Who’d thunk financial security was such a huge request. Christ, requesting world peace seems to be more reasonable than two good paying, secure jobs. Jobs at our skill, intelligence, and education levels, not below them.
The heaviness in my chest is making it hard to breathe.
Thanks for listening to me whine, moan, and cry everyone. I really try to keep this type of stuff off Howling Hill but sometimes I just need to vent, to get the fear out there.