Can You Smell That?

It’s pure, unadulterated fear. And it’s oozing of my body in buckets.

Wolf informed me his company is shutting down for ten days. He’ll be eligible for unemployment as he’s being laid-off then rehired after the ten days is up. I assume he’ll have the same hire date which is four years ago. At least I hope so.

I haven’t applied for any EMT jobs yet because the National Registry has not sent me my EMT card. I cannot apply anywhere without this card proving I’m certified. At the speed in which mail is moving around this country I thought I’d have it by now; obviously that’s not the case. I wanted to put applications in by Capitalmas but that’s not going to happen. I’m hoping by New Years but I’m not sure I’ll have the card by then.

Never in my life have I been so ashamed, so fearful, so anxious, and despondent and I know Wolf is feeling it too. Lately he’s been so grumpy, so down. I try to love the pain and fear out of him but I’m not doing a good enough job because he’s still so bummed out. Wolf is a worker, he’s not one who can sit around and do a bunch of nothing. For him to be out of work for 10 days will damn near kill him not to mention what it’ll do to our finances. We’re less than a paycheck from disaster as it is. There is no buffer in our budget for him to be unemployed. Christ, when he’s sick he still has to go to work because he doesn’t have any sick time and we can’t afford to lose a day out of his check.

[Self-Pity Rant Ahead]

How the eff did this happen to us? We’re good, hardworking people. How is it I can’t find an effing job depsite having two, count them TWO degrees? Why am I waiting on a fucking card in the mail? Why is our economy so fucking shitty? Did Wolf and I do something wrong? Is this the Universe’s way of punishing me for going to school, for thinking I’m smarter than I really am?


School was the biggest mistake. I thought the degrees were the Golden Ticket but NOOOOOOOoooooooo, the degrees were a SCAM. Wolf and I were victims of academia’s scam. All we got from the blood sucking, money sucking, soul and spirit sucking institutions were thousands of dollars worth of debt we can’t pay, and apparently I’ve been “educated out of the possibility of a job.” (Edina Monsoon, Ab Fab)

I feel so guilty, so selfish for going to school. Wolf and I may not have been doing well before I went but we weren’t doing as badly as we are now. And we had more debt then in the form of credit cards. At least then we were living in a house, not a mobile home made out of plastic which hemorrhages heat, and had space around us. Now we live like paupers, forced to pay money to have plastic fumes leaching into our bodies, which I’m convinced is going to give us cancer, scraping pennies just to make ends meet.

I am so frustrated, so tired of being scared. My adrenal system is burning out because I don’t seem to have much adrenaline left to pump. I’m tired of being sad, scared, and angry all the time. I’m tired of feeling helpless, of living like this. I’m tired of the sad look on Wolf’s face, of not seeing him happy. I’m tired of it all.

Who’d thunk financial security was such a huge request. Christ, requesting world peace seems to be more reasonable than two good paying, secure jobs. Jobs at our skill, intelligence, and education levels, not below them.

The heaviness in my chest is making it hard to breathe.

[/Self-Pity Rant]

Thanks for listening to me whine, moan, and cry everyone. I really try to keep this type of stuff off Howling Hill but sometimes I just need to vent, to get the fear out there.

This entry was posted in Cough/How Do I Look..?, EMS, Grindstone, Our Marriage. Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Can You Smell That?

  1. I got nothing… but ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) and energies that you guys can keep going until things get better….

  2. Howling Hill says:

    Thanks Silverwolf. Hugs are always good. =)

  3. Allie says:

    I’m sending hugs too. I totally understand the anger about education. J doesn’t even do anything related to what he went to school for, and I really didn’t need any sort of degree to do the things I do. I wish the process of learning something productive and applicable was a priority instead of earning a piece of paper. The money we put toward those degrees would have us sitting very comfortably right now, even if we’d just been waiting tables this whole time. And I’m not convinced that having a career is better than having a job anyway. If you just have a job, you leave it all there at the end of the day and have time to devote to the efforts you find enriching. My best job ever was throwing boxes in a shipping department.

    I hope your card comes soon and the ten days go quickly and give Wolf’s company the means with which to stand firmly when they rehire everyone.

  4. Howling Hill says:

    Allie: thanks so much for your support. It means a lot to know the bloggers in my community care from afar.

  5. farm mom says:

    Oh HH, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can relate to the scam of higher education as well as the fear. My husband is employed at a car dealership for one of the big 3 after all. Add to that our finacial difficulties with ID theft (looks like we have nonpayments, so all our other creditors jacked up our rates) coupled with a very bad economy (who pays to get their car fixed/ tuned up when they can’t buy the basic necessities?) and we live in fear constantly, and have for awhile.

    I sincerely hope your situation and wolf’s improves quickly. But I just wanted to let you know, that there are many afraid with you right now, my friend. This is NOT something you did wrong. xoxo

  6. punchlinewalking says:

    Oh HH, I’m so sorry this is happening to you guys. You have every right to be angry and frustrated- your situation completely sucks. I wish for you and Wolf security, peace and a little breathing room in the New Year.

  7. Howling Hill says:

    Farm mom: It’s hard to think I didn’t do anything wrong but I know you’re right. We’re just caught up in $hrub’s economy.

    PW: Thanks for the bright wishes. And to you too!

  8. Cassandra says:

    Many hugs, HH. I know it is so discouraging. Our world has turned into a place where hard work is not rewarded. Failure is rewarded. (bailouts) Those less capable are shown compassion and generosity… Hard work is ignored, at best.

    We are like the child in a big family who looks after herself and stays out of trouble. We’re ignored while the other children are taken care of and bailed out of trouble, then we are given more responsibility–since we seem so amenable to it.

    We’re such good boys & girls. (sigh)

    That’s how we are, though, and we can’t help it. It is our nature to keep up the fight because we find contentment through perseverance. Without a battle, there is no victory.

    I am sincerely wishing you blessings and victory.

    Love sent.

  9. Meadowlark says:

    I don’t have anything intelligent to say except that somewhere, life is a mere roll of a dice. I wonder how I got a well paying job that gives me tons of free time to surf the internet. I certainly didn’t do anything to deserve this. And then I see really great people getting a load of crap dumped on them and I can only come up with the dice theory.

    I do so hope that you can let go of your worries and cares and leave space for the universe to work its magic.

    You’re in my prayers — whether you like prayers or not! :)

    Peace to you, my friend.

  10. Howling Hill says:

    Cassandra: Thank you for the hugs and the food for thought. You’re totally right in that we’re the good kids. Funny, it took me until I was 37 to become one of the good kids =)

    Meadowlark: I agree regarding the dice. I do like prayers; I often pray. Just not to the same deity as you =).

    Also to you.

  11. Judy says:

    Oh, I am so sorry to hear this. There is way too much of this going around. My husband has several degrees which haven’t done him squat. He is also out of a job next week- with no rehire in sight. He is frantically sending out resumes but only one nibble so far. My best friend/garden buddy is also out of work for at least 4 weeks due to the plant he works at shutting down. Sometimes life just sucks.
    I’ll be sending good thoughts your way. I hope you get your card in the mail.

  12. Kathie says:

    Sending some good vibes your way. I agree that you didn’t do anything wrong, its just this horrible economy and uncertain times we’re living in – its not your fault. How can I help, tangibly? (Besides win the lottery – that I don’t play – and send money, haha!)

  13. Howling Hill says:

    Judy: I’ve sent out over 50 resumes and have had 2 interviews. The last interview I had was in … June? July? … it’s been a while. I got laid off in Jan 2008 so it’s been almost a year. I’ve never been out of work this long. It’s really disheartening to get rejection letter after rejection letter, and that’s when they bother to send you one!

    Hope your husband’s search is more fruitful than mine.

    Kathie: vibes appreciated. I’m sure I’m sending nothing but negative vibes across the airways and employers can feel that. Smell it too.

    Tangibly? I don’t know. I’ll think on it. Oh, I know. I need some knitting needles. I posted to the list about it.

  14. Noelle says:

    I want to send you some hugs, too, and keep them going until we get some good news already. I’m sorry your school experience turned out like it did, and for all the other stuff. I hope you still find a way to have a lovely holiday season, and that you can keep warm and hopeful for the something more that you deserve.

  15. jessica says:

    Ugh, I’m so sorry. The economy is bad everywhere and it might get worse. :(

  16. peppylady says:

    First of all I big hug for you and wolf.
    All I heard is bad economic news on T.V and I can go on and on about Dubya.
    But on the other side of the hill…I know worst case stories then yours. One of my friend her hubby factory he worked at for over 30 years and the place is shutting down and moving out of the country.

    I’m not sure how unemployment works in your state and I’m guessing you to have some pride in your life.
    But for some reason (got my finger cross it won’t happen) if wolf don’t get called back remember there safety nets for we people.
    Plus all the snow I been hearing one is getting though out the county one can make a little extra cash by shoveling roofs.

    I’ll be posting a slide show Christmas Eve and Christmas day.
    Coffee is on.

  17. Howling Hill says:

    Noelle: Hugs are always good. I *heart* hugs. Thank you.

    Jessica: “Ugh” is a good word.

    Peppy: Thanks for the hugs. Yes there are worse cases than ours. I know this too. I know we’re not poor in the grand scheme of things, that we really don’t live like paupers. But sometimes it’s hard to see the silver lining, ya know?

    Thanks everyone for your comments. We really appreciate them!

  18. Barbara (in Tennessee) says:

    HH, sending hugs your way, I’m out of town at my mom’s today and for the rest of the weekend, but I’ll check my needles and see if have any the size you need. US 15 29″ circs, right? Hugs!!

  19. Gina says:

    More hugs from this way. I hope you find a bit of peace now and then through this horribly storm…

    I’ve been wondering: are you tied to your area of the us. I know you have family there and wolf has his job, but you’ve mentioned often the difficuty in making friends and obviously finding a job worth having. would you ever consider another location. i can’t remember if i gae you this link or not, but here it is anyway: it’s the federal help wanted.unfortunately, even the guv is cutting back and not refilling positions as people retire (bunches of people are retiring) or quit, but they still need people. The worst part is the guv does not like for their employees to have roots of any kind. In my position I cannot advance because I can’t move right now (if I get desparate I will rethink that statement). If you can find a way to move, there are opportunities. With benefits.

    This makes job hunting even more stressful: the fact you may have to relocate. It could be a fresh start. If by some chance you come this way, I can offer temporary housing (for free!) for you, Wolf and the kids. Just something to keep on the list, OK?

    I hope 2009 is better for many of us (and sorry I am a pessimistic folk); however, I feel like the largest rain clouds haven’t even hit yet (at least here anyway).

    Many blessings!

  20. Howling Hill says:

    Gina: yes, we’re married to New Hampshire. It’s our home. We’ve often talked about moving out of the country, to Italy or Ireland, which is something we may investigate more. We really need some money before we can look into moving because we’ll need citizenship in Europe and it’s not cheap just as it’s not cheap to get citizenship here.

    We’ve also talked about moving further south because Wolf can’t really take the winters here in NH anymore but I’m the reluctant one. I’m just not sure I can go through a major relocation again. This is the devil I know, ya know?

    Thanks for the offer. I’ll keep it in mind.

    Hugs to you and yours.

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