Nostalgic for a Time I Never Knew

I’ve been really nostalgic for … for times I never lived in, for relationships I’ve never had.

I keep thinking about my Nana (my mother’s mother) and how she wanted me to keep the family together, to reach out to them and bring them together. I’ve failed because none of my extended family return the calls, emails, and letters I send. I can only assume I offended them because their silence is deafening. It’s hard to apologize to someone(s) when they won’t return your calls. It’s a blanket, nondescript apology I want to give since I don’t know what the problem really is so I can’t apologize for a specific incident. If only someone would be open and honest with me about what it is I said or did!

One cousin offered to have a family reunion at her house in Central Massachusetts but I’m reluctant to contact her about planning said event. She’s got toddlers so I think it’ll be hard for her to plan an event such as this. Besides, with me working every freaking Saturday now — and getting one off akin to pulling teeth — I really can’t see how I can help plan an event I won’t be at. But I want to have this reunion because I like to see my plans through — I’m not one to say I’m going to do something if I’m not in fact going to — and because I like to bring people together. I want to see everyone’s faces and look into their eyes. I want to talk to each of them and get to know them a little bit. She hasn’t contacted me about it and I figure if she’s still interested she’d let me know.

As I’ve researched my genealogy and found sisters living next door to each other and cousins growing up like siblings I yearn for such closeness with my kin. But I know it’s an impossibility. After all, no one wants to move to my neck of the woods and I’m not moving to sub/urban areas. If only I could cultivate relationships with my cousins from the distance we’re at. It’s not like I expect them to be my best friend. Rather, to get together a couple times a year for dinner and just catch up. Alas, that does not seem to be in my future.

What is it about making turkey soup on a gray day which brings out the side of me which likes to ponder?

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4 Responses to Nostalgic for a Time I Never Knew

  1. Allie says:

    What I have learned over the years is that real family doesn’t have to have anything to do with genetic connections. Sometimes, the people we share genes with just aren’t capable of being who we want them to be. It’s not an easy thing to accept. I totally understand that longing. And in your case, it must be really hard because it sounds like you don’t really know who the people on the other side of it are, and the possibilities of it are a very strong pull.

    Wish I could be there to make turkey soup with you. It’s hard how communities are so spread out now.

  2. peppylady says:

    I’m so sorry how things about your family.
    I wish I could give you advice on how to handle this but I can’t but if they won’t tell you why there possible up set with you their a good chance they don’t know them self.
    See I have my own family issues and once I figure them out I can be more comfortable giving my two cents worth.

    Coffee is on.

  3. scott says:

    Perhaps the smell of you soup cooking, has triggered a fond memory from your past. I do my best thinking when i am making something i enjoy. You are great at helping new people come together, some of the best times we’ve had in the past few years are with you, yours and the new friends you have introduced to us.

  4. Howling Hill says:

    Allie: real family is those you choose I think. But still there’s a genetic pull and a deep curiosity of the people who I share DNA with.

    I agree about the community building. It seems to me we should be able to start with our families but, alas, that doesn’t seem to be the case for me.

    Peppy: What I find so frustrating is I just can’t seem to make inroads. The few times I have I’ve run into roadblocks. There were a couple cousins who made the effort to get to know me but then just stopped. No explanation just silence.

    Scott: maybe though Nana never made soup. not that I remember anyways.

    Thank you. Kind words from a good friend.

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