I’ve been really nostalgic for … for times I never lived in, for relationships I’ve never had.
I keep thinking about my Nana (my mother’s mother) and how she wanted me to keep the family together, to reach out to them and bring them together. I’ve failed because none of my extended family return the calls, emails, and letters I send. I can only assume I offended them because their silence is deafening. It’s hard to apologize to someone(s) when they won’t return your calls. It’s a blanket, nondescript apology I want to give since I don’t know what the problem really is so I can’t apologize for a specific incident. If only someone would be open and honest with me about what it is I said or did!
One cousin offered to have a family reunion at her house in Central Massachusetts but I’m reluctant to contact her about planning said event. She’s got toddlers so I think it’ll be hard for her to plan an event such as this. Besides, with me working every freaking Saturday now — and getting one off akin to pulling teeth — I really can’t see how I can help plan an event I won’t be at. But I want to have this reunion because I like to see my plans through — I’m not one to say I’m going to do something if I’m not in fact going to — and because I like to bring people together. I want to see everyone’s faces and look into their eyes. I want to talk to each of them and get to know them a little bit. She hasn’t contacted me about it and I figure if she’s still interested she’d let me know.
As I’ve researched my genealogy and found sisters living next door to each other and cousins growing up like siblings I yearn for such closeness with my kin. But I know it’s an impossibility. After all, no one wants to move to my neck of the woods and I’m not moving to sub/urban areas. If only I could cultivate relationships with my cousins from the distance we’re at. It’s not like I expect them to be my best friend. Rather, to get together a couple times a year for dinner and just catch up. Alas, that does not seem to be in my future.
What is it about making turkey soup on a gray day which brings out the side of me which likes to ponder?