One Foot On, One Foot Off

The wagon.

As many of you know I’ve been unemployed for quite some time. And before I was unemployed I was in a job I really didn’t like. Long hours, terrible pay, atrocious company. But I put my best foot forward and even enrolled in a program to further my “career” in the job which I hated. All in the pursuit of money. It didn’t pan out. The cost of the program, the low pay and wretched hours, finally pushed me over the cliff of exhaustion so I quit both the program and the job. That’s when I was started looking for a “real job” in earnest.

During the time I was in school and working, I fell off the blogging wagon. Many, many times I thought about deleting this blog and calling it quits. But I kept coming back, even if it was to say “I have nothing to say.” Then I became unemployed and the depression seeped and took over. Reading blogs became difficult. Doing *anything* became difficult.

It’s been almost a year and still I’m not working. The depression is overwhelming. Never in my life have I walked into an interview then walked out without the job. I’ve had a handful of interviews since spring of last year. I’ve signed up with four temp agencies. My resume is on Monster and on LinkedIn. But still there is no fulltime employment out there for me. I’ve felt devalued and unwanted before but never, never like this. I feel so useless, so inept, so pointless all I can do is wallow in self pity. It’s gotten so bad I’ve seriously considered going to the supermarket and getting a job down there. The only thing that has kept me from doing so is the shame and embarrassment of running into someone I know. So I’ve finally admitted defeat and am going to my pharmaceutical doctor to ask for antidepressants next week. If I don’t I fear I won’t be here in the summer.

Howling Hill has still not sold so we are still here. We figured we’d be out of here by now. I didn’t think we’d had sold HH instead, I thought we’d be paying rent and mortgage but because I haven’t found a job that hasn’t happened (obviously). Because we can’t make any plans (who knows where we’ll be in a month?) I can’t plan on a garden. I missed it last year though I did put a few plants in but this year I’m not planting anything. And I’m sad. And totally un-grounded.

I’m not good with things being up in the air. I like to have a plan of action. I don’t mind if I don’t stick to the plan, if it changes and goes completely askew. But I like HAVING a plan. And right now we don’t. The only plan is to find me a job and that’s going very, very badly.

I have one foot on the soberness wagon and I’m losing my footing. I am death-gripping the wagon to keep myself on it. Being so un-valued, unwanted, so dependent on Wolf for *everything* has slain my self confidence and self respect. I never realized how important work is to me. Now I know. I have little self worth because no one thinks me worthy of being paid for employment, paid a living wage.

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2 Responses to One Foot On, One Foot Off

  1. Matriarchy says:

    So many of us understand what you are going through. I am in a sort of limbo myself. Caring for a parent with dementia, living on various benefits. Unable to pay for help so I can work. Not sure what work I could find anyway, in this economy. Unemployed partner with an advanced degree. Lots of emotional and mental distress in people all around me. Stuck, and I also finding it extremely unsettling not to be able to plan.

    Do go to the doctor. Medication is for just such a thing as this. Once you get a handle on the depression, and a firmer grip on your sobriety – consider volunteering for something. Or maybe bootstrap some small biz – make rain barrels or worm bins or self-watering planters or something. Just a suggestion. I can’t know what obstacles you face – but maybe you could try to make your own work. And the human contact could lead to other employment.

    Plant some stuff in buckets. You can take it with you if you move, or give it to someone else. I found a broken garden cart out for the trash, and am planning sweet potatoes in it.

  2. When we can’t find what we need when we search within, its a good idea to start looking outside of yourself. The answers are still likely to be very hard.

    But not as hard as you are being on yourself. Aw hon, don’t value yourself against a wage. Against currency. We all know you are a good worker. You would be a good worker for someone. Its the struggle, its not life.

    You are valued for being a friend and the person you are. You are delight for your talents and skills.

    I’m pretty scared of this endless rejection too. I’m only 3 months in with a 2 month work relief coming up before it dribbles away for good. Not easy for sure. I have loved every moment of the last 8 years of my life in this job that has pretty much defined me.

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