The darkest part of the year is over. Imbolc comes at a steady pace. Soon my favorite time of the year will be here. That time when the snow melts, light lengthens, days warm, and slowly, every so slowly, Mother Earth awakens from her deep winter slumber.
Soon the birds will return and the trees will bud. Crocuses will uncurl from they protection of Mother Earth to bloom their white and purple petals. The tulips will come up in various colors as will the daffodils. Early spring is my favorite time of the year.
The dark time, though, it’s the hardest time of the year for me. From Samhain to Imbolc the depression and panic Grandfather Sun will not return frightens me on an instinctual level. My moods are atrocious, my temper short, my fear long and deep. The current economic situation we’re in doesn’t help. The panic both Wolf and I feel about not having any money fuels my depression and fear.
I have a job finally. It’s a temp assignment which will be over in a few weeks. I will miss the people I work with (there are some great people there). The wage is horrible though. I am barely breaking even. I view it as a way to resume build and a way to network. In that respect it is worth the 180 mile daily commute, $2 tolls, and the fatigue I feel from such a long time in the car. But I still need to find a full time job that pays a living wage so Wolf and I can move down to Boston.
Through all this I forgot to focus on my faith. I forgot to talk to Mother Earth and her cohorts. I neglected my faith and myself and Wolf. The Dark Time does that to me. It takes away all hope, love, and exuberance and leaves me depressed, angry, self-righteous, and with the desire to leave it all behind to become an alpaca farmer in Australia or some other far fetched fantasy.
Because of the angst in my heart and soul blogging seemed like the last thing I could do. Even before I had this assignment I was so deeply mired in the fog the Dark Time leaves in me I couldn’t see any light. All I could do was focus on the fear and anger and that’s not what I wanted to blog about. This is, after all, supposed to be a green and farming blog and there is nothing green and farming about feeling like you’re on the edge of a black hole because it feels like you can do nothing but take your next breath.
I’m not going to “resolve” to be a better blogger. With the long assed commute I can barely check my FB when I get home. After being on a computer all day the last thing I want to do is be on the computer here. But I will make a concerted effort to get back on track, to build up my readership again.
With love and light,